Dear Daughter,

While I have covered marriage as a topic in detail, there is one more thing which can make or break a marriage when no one is watching; who are you as an individual after becoming someone’s wife. And I am not saying it from the perspective of feminism or any ‘ism’ but simply that any relationship flourishes when both people feel complete as an individual and not just as a couple.

Your surname, your choice

I changed my surname simply for the ease of international travel at that time. In fact, let me tell you a funny story.

I was traveling to Zurich for office work with 2 colleagues and your dad suggested visiting Paris as it is nearby. I was occupied, so I asked him to book my tickets and hotel as he had been there earlier.

The night before, I was supposed to fly to Paris, I decided to take a print out of the ticket and when I saw it, I was horrified. The ticket got booked with my current surname while my passport still had my maiden name. I called up and it was 2:00 am in India. Your dad didn’t pick it up so I had to call dadi. She picked the call and was terrified hearing my voice (In India, receiving a phone call at odd times is considered that there is definitely a bad news).

Then after satisfying her that all is well at my end, she woke up your dad. He then sent me a copy of my marriage certificate because, at that time, using a marriage certificate to establish the change of surname was an accepted practice for international travel.

While returning from Paris, however, the passport and ticket name mismatch was flagged at the airport. Despite having a hard copy of my marriage certificate with me, I panicked. I had kept it so carefully that, for a few minutes, I couldn’t find it in my bag. The attendant called her senior, which only made me more anxious.

Thankfully, I eventually found it, and everything got sorted. But that entire episode made me decide to change my name officially so that I wouldn’t have to deal with such hassles again.

But plenty of women choose not to change their name, and that is just as valid. What matters isn’t which choice you make; it is that you make the choice yourself and communicate it clearly before marriage, rather than assuming your husband will simply understand later.

If he has an expectation you haven’t addressed, and you tell him afterward that you don’t want to go along with it, it can create a rift that was entirely avoidable. Clarity before marriage saves you both a great deal of heartburn.

And this applies far beyond your name. Talk about your friends, your money, your time, your hobbies, your identity and what will become a shared chapter and what will stay yours alone. Some you will know pre-hand and some you’ll only learn by living it.

Money – yours, his, ours

In our marriage, there was never ‘your money’ and ‘my money’ and it was always ‘our money’. But nowadays, I feel, for your generation, women should keep some money that is unambiguously their own – not out of mistrust but to give them a floor to stand on, always.

Another example – as you are our only child, I also think it would be wise to have some clarity with your Mr Right about how you both see financial responsibilities towards us. And I am not saying this because I want you to be responsible for us. I am saying it because these are conversations that are better had before marriage than after – so that there are no assumptions, no awkwardness and, most importantly, no unnecessary strain on your relationship.

Career, transfers, and moving

If you have decided to support your husband’s career by moving with him, there is a real chance that you won’t be working immediately. Make sure that you are at peace with this, because it can easily become a source of resentment. (And yes, it applies to you too, Boys!)

Friends and hobbies

As many women relocate after marriage, their friendships often become secondary. But in my opinion, having a set of friends who are your own, taking time off to travel, or simply spending time with them without your husband is not selfish. It is basic.

In fact, Dad and I have always encouraged each other to do this. And now, at our age, we both have a few very close, flourishing friendships of our own that keep us happy.

You don’t have to do everything together to have a strong marriage.

The manager Trap

Marriage is like a car, all four tyres need to go in sync. But too often, one person quietly becomes the manager of the household: remembering everything from appointments and PTMs to birthdays, classes, bills and a hundred other little things.

When that mental load falls disproportionately on one person, resentment builds quietly. And that resentment can eat away at a marriage even when, from the outside, everything seems to be functioning perfectly.

So before that happens, make sure there is a real partnership.

50-50 partnership

There will be days when one person gives more because the other needs more. There will be phases when careers, children, parents, health or circumstances make the equation unequal. But look at the whole year, rather than a single day.

If, over time, there is no sense of balance, name it and talk about it directly instead of cribbing about it with others. It is much saner to address the imbalance while it is still manageable than to let it quietly turn into resentment. Sometimes, saying, ‘This doesn’t feel fair to me’ can save a relationship before it goes awry.

World will judge you

I want to share a small but important thing with you.

When you were very young, I couldn’t attend three out of four PTMs. One of your teachers eventually asked me if everything was alright at home. I had to explain that my job involved a lot of travelling and, by sheer coincidence, my travel dates often clashed with the PTMs.

There was another phase when Dad was the one taking you to the park far more often than I was. And he was, more often than not, the odd one out, because it was mostly mothers who came with their children.

But neither of us worried too much about what people thought.

The world will always judge you. People will have opinions about the choices you make, the way you divide responsibilities, who earns more, who stays home, who travels, who takes care of the children and who doesn’t.

What matters most is that the two of you decide what works for your family – and then stand by that decision together.

You don’t have to explain your marriage to the world. You only have to make sure that the two people living it are comfortable with the choices they are making.

So – who are you, after becoming someone’s wife?

You are still, and always, yourself first. A wife, yes – but also a daughter, a friend, a professional, someone with her own opinions, her own money, her own people, her own way of spending a free afternoon.

Marriage should be a place where two whole people choose each other, not a place where one person slowly sets herself down to make room. Say what you want clearly, and keep saying it. That, more than anything else I can tell you, is how you stay whole.

With love,

Mumma